The Proper Meaning of the Fifth Commandment
When we explore the Fifth Commandment, it is critical that we understand that the duty enjoined is that we honor our parents. Honoring is much broader than a token or even heartfelt obeying. When Christ was dying on the cross, He honored His mother by charging John to take her under his wing; He said, "Behold thy mother! And from that very hour that disciple took her into his own" (John 19:27). Mary was apparently widowed, so Christ honored the Fifth Commandment by commanding John to give her bed and board. The opposite was the Jews who dishonored their parents by the infamous "Corban" tradition. Corban was a financial gift to the temple that the Pharisees thought justified indifference to the temporal needs of their fathers and mothers. Christ preached that their Corban-tradition made the word of God of none effect. In other words, we dare not demonetize the word honor. A man's domestic responsibility to his parents includes dollars and cents, as well as obedience. This is why ministers who preach God's truth, laboring in the word and doctrine, are to receive double-honor, that is, material sustenance and support (1 Tim. 5:17). Likewise, there may be a time in the future when we ourselves will have to assist our infirmed parents monetarily and physically.
It is instructive that the exposition of the Fifth Commandment in the Heidelberg Catechism broadens the meaning of honor. To the question, "What does God require in the Fifth Commandment," the answer is: "That I show all honor, love, and faithfulness to my father and mother, and to all in authority over me; submit myself with due obedience to all their good instruction and correction, and also bear with their infirmities, since it is God's will to govern us by their hand." Notice: First comes "honor," then comes "love," followed by "faithfulness," which is capped off by submission with "due obedience." Honoring our parents may tax our strength, especially when they are short with us in our younger years or when they become sick or infirm in their graying years. Nevertheless, it is an honor to honor them because of their faithfulness to us. But when we honor them, we must do so heartily, too. A number of years ago I was visiting my wife who was in the hospital. In the bed next to her was an elderly woman suffering from asthma. She was visited regularly by her daughter and I thought to myself what a testimony this was for an unbeliever to be so solicitous about her mother's well being. But one day her visit of her mother ended at the same time as my visit with my wife. As we walked down the hall of the hospital together talking, she suddenly blurted out: "We need a lot more Jack Kevorkians in this world!" She wanted her mother dead!
Now, the distinction between honoring and obeying is important for another reason, too. When a child becomes a man and leaves his father and mother to cleave to his wife, his relationship to his parents changes from obeying to honoring. The reason is that marriage creates a new family government. In this new government there is what may be called "sphere sovereignty." This sphere-sovereignty means the old father-mother-son relationship no longer exists in the sense that his new home is under his parent's scepter. However, he does need to honor them. And, he is to honor them in perpetuity.
Our honoring our parents also involves bearing patiently with their infirmities, that is, their weaknesses and sins. Of course, our parents have no right to command us to commit a sin. Yet, the reason annexed to the Fifth Commandment does not envision that we honor them only when they issue a command that synchronizes with our personal agendas! Rather, honoring them means bearing patiently with their infirmities. An interesting example of this occurred in the life of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and his relationship with his father, who it seems thought it was the duty of the children to lay up for the parents, rather than the parents for their children (2 Cor. 12:14). In an extraordinary letter which was a single paragraph of 4,000 words, Leopold, alarmed that Mozart was bonding with a possible bride-to-be and her family, wrote: "...your first duty is to consider the well-being of your parents, or else your soul will be condemned to eternal damnation." Yet, Mozart as far as we know, respectfully endured his father's intrusive infirmities. Of course, the best example of fulfilling the Fifth Commandment occurred during Jesus' earthly pilgrimage. When his exasperated parents found him in the temple with the doctors of the law, He said: "Did you not know that I must be about my Father's business?" Those are the first recorded words of Christ after He became incarnate. His parents were "ticked," but Christ endured their infirmities. In fact, some commentators have even called this account not so much the story of the "lost son," but the story of the "lost parents." After Jesus was retrieved he returned to Nazareth with his father and mother and, as a twelve year old, was "subject unto them" (Luke 2:51).
Subtle Methods of Dishonoring Parents
Of course, there are many ways that a son and daughter can disobey their parents. One way is when children magnify one parent to the exclusion of the other. But God's word teaches that both parents must be honored. Let us not commit the sin of "selective obedience," that is, of picking one parent to obey and the other to disregard. Listen to Leviticus 19:3, where the mother's name appears even before the father's. "You shall fear every man his mother and his father..." or, Proverbs 30:17: "The eye that mocks at his father, and despises to obey his mother, the ravens of the valley shall pick it out and the young eagles shall eat it." In Israel's history, there were times when a battle was lost, where the corpses strewn on the battlefield feasted upon by vultures. Apparently, the "main course" of vultures was the human eye! Likewise, God promises ocular-like judgments when our eyes despise our parents.
A second way that we can disobey our parents is when we fail to obey their commands the first time. This is often called "first time obedience." What is "first time obedience?" It means obeying them the first time so that they will not have to ask (or beg!) the second or third time. This is a truth that needs to be learned, not just by children, but also by parents. In fact, it is parents who need to learn this before their children learn it. Why is this? Because if our children do not obey the first time, it is because we have not taught them to obey the first time. When this happens the parent is undermining his own authority. Let us look at some reasons why this is so. First, when parents issue commands again and again and again, they are in effect training their children to be ungodly. If our children will not obey us the first time, then they will not obey us the second or the third time. And since we parents stand in the place of God, our children will despise the authority that God has delegated to us. By not demanding first time obedience, we allow the stubbornness of our children to harden.
Perhaps the primary reason parents don't require first-time obedience is the absence of intestinal fortitude. If they do not enforce first time obedience, then our children will tempt us to the limit. One writer states it this way: "By nature, children are gamblers. They will tiptoe across the line, enjoy sin, then dart back in hopes of not disturbing the sleeping giant-the parent. Obedience is no longer objective, but subjective."
The third way to undermine first time obedience is to negotiate. Every time we negotiate, we lose! We lose more and more of our authority. To negotiate with disobedience is disobedience! We can properly call this policy (after WWII) "Munich in the home." A better name for it is "appeasement." If our children do not surrender to our wishes the first time, then they are encouraged to redouble their resistance to the next command. What would have happened to Helen Keller if Anne Sullivan demanded anything less than first time obedience? It was not until Helen Keller as a young girl fully submitted to Anne Sullivan's rule that she was liberated! Our children are born with eyes that are spiritually blind and with ears that are deaf to the Word of God. Every parent must be an Anne Sullivan!
The fourth way to undermine first time obedience is to accept self-justifying excuses. Two of the commonest are: "I didn't hear you," or, "I just forgot." The obvious rebuttal is that our children have the responsibility to listen! Just as remembering what God has commanded us to do is our unique responsibility, so a child must remember to listen to his parent the first time. The role of the parent is to teach them these things; let us not allow our children to minimize their sins and justify their rebellion. Require first time obedience; this is God's standard.
A beautiful example of first time obedience was the young man Samuel. When he was twelve and sleeping, he thought he heard Eli calling him. "Samuel, Samuel," was the voice he heard. Three times he arose from his bed and went to Eli. Finally, when Eli deduced that the Lord was actually calling Samuel, he advised Samuel to say, "Speak Lord, for thy servant hears." But notice this: Samuel responded immediately when he heard God call: it was first time obedience three times! Think of it: If you think your father has called you, and you arise only to find that he did not, you might be tempted to disregard his second and third commands altogether. But Samuel practiced first time obedience three times.
There are two final insights about first time obedience that apply especially to us parents. Often, the main problem is not rebellious children, but rebellious parents who do not expect their children to obey them the first time! If we are slack in our endeavors to stand up for first time obedience, then we are slack in obeying God ourselves. This relates to the second application: we should expect first time obedience not only from our children, but from ourselves. The goal of our churches should be to obey God in such a way that our churches are known as "churches of first time obedience." So, it is not just children who should obey the first time, but parents who must set a God-centered example of first time obedience. We should obey God willingly, without murmuring; faithfully, without alterations; constantly, without interruptions; and instantly without postponement (that is, first time obedience)!
The Blessings of Honoring Our Parents
Of course, God lavishes us with great blessing when we honor our parents. The Fifth Commandment is duplicated in Ephesians 6 where Paul writes, "Honor thy father and thy mother (which is the first commandment with promise), that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth" (Eph. 6:1-3). Paul also endorses the truth by saying that the Fifth Commandment is "the first commandment with promise." There is a not very famous riddle that says: "The first commandment is the fifth commandment and the fifth commandment is the first commandment." The point of the riddle is that when we honor the Fifth Commandment, we honor the "first" commandment because the Fifth Commandment is the first commandment that promises cataracts of temporal blessing. But what are these blessings? To obey the Fifth Commandment is to relish prosperity and life.
The first blessing is that God will reward us with long life on the earth. The original context of this commandment was when God promised Israel the Promised Land, the land of milk and honey. But a thoughtful question is: "What about a Christian who dies young? Does this not nullify the blessing of obeying the Fifth Commandment?" There are two ways to handle this. First, we could say that the exception proves the rule; it doesn't invalidate the rule. That is, it is normative for an obedient child to experience longevity. The second view is expressed by John Calvin, who wrote: "Therefore, if any one who is obedient to parents happens to be cut off before mature age...the Lord nevertheless adheres to His promise as steadily as when He bestows a hundred acres of land when he promised only one." In other words, Calvin is telling us that if God promises to give us one acre in the Fifth Commandment, but if we die, we inherit one hundred acres! We inherit more when we die than in what we receive in this life!
The second blessing is that God will give us real material blessings in this life (it will be "well with you"). God's covenants are both spiritual and materialistic (in the best sense). Just as He bankrolled His people when they departed from Egypt, He will continue to bankroll us in this vale of tears. This means that we shall not be economic losers when we honor the Fifth Commandment! In fact, success will cascade from our homes to the culture around us, too. A keen insight is expressed by one writer, who said: "Why is it that Satan's earthly followers, who violate God's principles for successful living, supposedly will remain in control of the world until the Rapture? Are we supposed to believe that Satan's principles produce personal failure but cultural success, while biblical principles produce personal success but cultural failure?"
We must ask: Does God bless unbelief with property more than He blesses belief and obedience? The Fifth Commandment answers that question decidedly! "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth" (Matt. 5:5). "Trust in the Lord, and do good; Dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness...For evildoers shall be cut off; but those who wait on the Lord; they shall inherit the earth" (Psalm 37:3, 9). "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you" (Matt. 6:33).
